I still have the coolest nephew ever

Mike: Hey Uncle Patrick, I saw "The Chronicles of Narnia."
Pat: Yeah?
Mike: I loved the beaver wearing the armor into battle.
Pat: Wasn't that great?
Mike: It really was.

MIKE hands the phone to his mom, my sister.

Kerry: Did he tell you he saw "The Chronicles of Narnia"?
Pat: Yeah.
Kerry: He was so excited to tell you. He kept meaning to tell you but then we'd forget and so this morning he wanted to call and tell you.
Pat: That's awesome.

"I don't want to say that your daughter defecated in the pool, but I know no one dropped a candy bar in there."
Roy Wood Jr. is a stand-up comic and radio personality based out of Birmingham. I was lucky enough to meet him and perform with him a few weeks ago. His stand-up is great but he also has two CDs of prank calls. It's in the same vein as the Jerky Boys, but besides calling businesses, he calls private citizens whose friends have put him up to pranking them. He usually calls roughneck types that threaten to whoop his ass. At the end of the call, he always tells them that he's with the radio show and that the friend put him up to it, to which you hear, "Oooh, I'm gonna beat her ass!"

So, go to his site and listen to his stuff. Read his blog. He's got his own domain as well as a MySpace page.

He's touring, too, so check him out. Especially those of you in Cleveland, Austin, Cincinatti and Charlotte (hint, hint).

Netflix at home:
"We Know Where You Live: Live!"
"Pablo Francisco: Bits and Pieces"
"David Cross: Let America Laugh"

Coming after that:
"Lost: Season 1"
"Lisa Lampanelli: The Queen of Mean"
"Hustle & Flow"
"Life As A House"
"Me and You and Everyone We Know"
"Mr. & Mrs. Smith"

FINALLY playing in Myrtle Beach:
Brokeback Mountain (if you need the link, you've been living in a cave)

"All the nuts roll down to Florida."
-Mulder, "The X-Files"

ST. PETE, FLA. -- This rocks. The workshops are interesting, the weather is even more fantastic than that in Myrtle and the Dali Museum is down the street.

That's right. A museum of Dali. And no one else.

"Gee, Pat, I never knew you liked Dali that much."

Well, you're right. I've always thought the painting with the clocks was kind of cool, but beyond that, I didn't have too much of an appreciation of Dali. Some things have changed that.

1. I lived in London where the free museums meant I had no excuse but to take advantage of every opportunity I had.
2. I live in Myrtle, where the only "museum" is the Ripley's Aquarium.

I consider it my duty to visit museums. It reminds me of my time in London and it also keeps my brain from turning to chicken bog and hush puppies. My brain would be delicious, but useless.

Other musings concerning South Florida

1. Spanish architecture is pretty neat. I don't care if there are more ornate styles out there, I find red brick pretty.

2. Palm trees are so much prettier than palmettos. Not to mention that palm trees are more native to Florida than palmettos are to South Carolina. Meaning the trees look natural here.

3. You can't go anywhere here that doesn't have seafood. Again, I'm used to seafood menus after living in Myrtle, but damn, EVERY menu down here has seafood.

4. St. Pete and Tampa is one of the last markets with competing papers. It's like walking into the Twilight Zone.

5. I've yet to see a gator.

6. Except on menus. There, the gator is a popular fella.

7. "Wild Things" took place in southern Florida. Unfortunately, I have not seen Matt, Denise or Neve. Or Bill. But Bill isn't in the same category as those first three.

8. Less Than Jake is from Florida. Did you know that? I did not.

9. Jimmy Buffett is apparently the soundtrack of choice for every cheesy beach bar not only in Myrtle, but down here, too. Damn Parrot-heads.

10. I woke up this morning to the sound of a woman screaming in the hotel room next to mine. A few moments later, I realized she was not in pain. Just the opposite.

"You let her behind the curtain, I know you did. You never let them behind the curtain, Will. You never let them see the little old man behind the curtain working the levers of the great and powerful Oz. They are all sisters, Willie. They aren't allowed back there. They mustn't see."
-Michael Rapaport, "Beautiful Girls"

God bless movie channels and DVR. I've been loading up on all sorts of goodies, which helps me with my Netflix. I don't want to waste my Netflix on crappy movies! That's what cable's for. I want to waste my Netlix on stand-up.

"Now I can't have no 'curse' show, I mean I gotta throw in a few jokes in between the curses, I can't come out and go 'Hello! Filth flar'n filth, motherfucker, dick, pussy, snot, and shit. Good night!'"
-Eddie Murphy, "Raw"

Writing for stand-up is hard.

"Procrastination is not the problem. It is the solution. It is the universe's way of saying stop, slow down, you move too fast. Listen to the music. Whoa whoa, listen to the music. Because music makes the people come together. It makes the bourgeois and the rebel. So come on people now, smile on your brother, everybody try to love one another. Because what the world needs now is love, sweet love. And I know that love is a battlefield, but boogie on reggae woman because you're gonna make it after all. So celebrate good times, come on. I've gotta stop I've gotta come to my senses I've been out riding fences for so long... Oops, I did it again. Um... What I'm trying to say is, if you leave tonight and you don't remember anything else that I've said, leave here and remember this: Procrastinate now, don't put it off."
Ellen DeGeneres, "Here And Now"

Happy New Year.

I've got new tricks for '06, but first, we have some unfinished business from 2005. Indeed, I lived in a duplex, house and an apartment in 2005, with a total of two girls, two cats and one guy. I had intended to include this on the previous digest, but I forgot, and Janelle reminded me.

And now, we have 2005 in lyrics. Granted, none of these songs were written in 2005, but they describe the year from my vantage point.


"And with college out of reach
If I don't find a job
It's down to Dad and Myrtle Beach..."
--Aimee Mann, "Ghost World"

"Well, my dad was sick
And my mom, she cared for him
Her love, it nursed him back to life
And me I ran
I couldn't even look at him
For fear I'd have to say goodbye..."
--The Format, "On Your Porch"

"All I wanna do is drink beer for breakfast
All I wanna eat is them BBQ chips
All I want is someone just to try to protect us
You can try but you'd never wanna try to defend us..."
--The Replacements, "Beer For Breakfast"

"Awakened to cheers after years on the faultline
We are shocked to be here in the face of the meantime..."
--The New Pornographers, "The Laws Have Changed"

"Turning circles and time again
It cut like a knife oh now
If you love me got to know for sure..."
--David Gray, "This Year's Love"

"The ones who love us best are the ones we'll lay to rest
And visit their graves on holidays at best
The ones who love us least are the ones we'll die to please
If it's any consolation, I don't begin to understand them..."
--The Replacements, "Bastards of Young"

"You are the queen
Of every scene
You are the king
Of everything
Baby you could be famous
You could see your marble face all around
Baby you could be famous
If you could just get out of this town
Just get out of this town now..."
--The Magnetic Fields, "Famous"

"And as I start to leave
He grabs me by the shoulder
And he tells me
What's left to lose
You've done enough
And if you fail well then you fail
But not to us
'Cause these last three years
I know they've been hard
But now it's time to get out of the desert and into the sun
Even if it's alone..."
--The Format, "On Your Porch"

"The sun is a mass of incandescent gas
A gigantic nuclear furnace
Where hydrogen is built into helium
At a temperature of millions of degrees..."
--They Might Be Giants, "Why Does The Sun Shine?"

Yup, that sounds about right. A pretty good year, all in all.