2005: The Digest

1. I got a great mix CD for Christmas of '04, and it was my soundtrack of sorts for '05. One of my most treasured friends made it, and she included not only the song titles but the specific lyrics that explained why she included that song ("With college out of reach/If I don't get a job, it's down to Dad or Myrtle Beach"). Each song became instantly important to me, because the lyrics resonated with me so well. And that was probably her intention. The CD was great, and I think the bigger gift was knowing that I had a friend who got me so well that she could make a soundtrack and have it be so... perfect.

2. My brother got married! I would just like to note that when we were kids, we watched Tom Hanks' "Bachelor Party" almost every day. There was no party of that sort, though. Thank God.

3. Netflix is my new crack rock. For those of you under a rock, it is an Internet movie rental service that mails you movies in returnable, postage-paid envelopes, without late fees (or due dates). You log in online and prioritize a queue. You can have a movie for a day or a month. I have three movies at any given time, but I can go through them in a day or so, meaning I can get at least 10 movies a month. It pays for itself, really.

4. Also in "crack rock" category is The Facebook, which, if you've been under an actual rock, is a network that connects college students, faculty and alumni. Think Friendster or MySpace. But cooler.

5. We got family portraits taken in Savannah. I got to take my parents to the beach. Where I probably should have worn more sunscreen...

6. I got to learn first-hand about squamous cell carcinoma!

7. "Batman Begins" was everything that "Revenge Of The Sith" should have been. If you are watching "Sith," pause it right before Anakin's turning and put in "Batman Begins." Christopher Nolan did a fantastic job showing Bruce Wayne's internal struggle. More than you did, George Lucas.

8. Thank God for Netflix, because it introduced me to "The O.C." OMFG. Janelle and I spent hours watching this on DVD, episode after episode. Mischa, please eat. Go to Bojangle's or something. You're shivering, because you're hungry.

9. My beloved Harvey died. He was 9. Let this be a reminder to all that you absolutely need to stay on top of car maintenance.

10. I got a new car, though: Adele, named after Adele Givens of "The Queens of Comedy." Your stomach ain't never too big.

11. Well, mine is. I've gained the weight that Lurch has lost. Yeah. I know.

12. My parents and brother got a golden retriever, and I think he's pretty bad-ass.

13. I got to go to D.C. For, uh, real cheap.

14. I made a stand-up debut and will be hopefully doing guest spots starting in January. I hope.

15. Teri Hatcher needs to eat.

Coming soon: 2005 in lyrics. Yeah, I know, I'm a 17-year-old girl. Just give me vegan scones so I can go home, listen to Ani and write songs in my closet about the animals I'm not eating. And paint flower pots, and talk about Placebo.

I watched Ron White's "They Call Me Tater Salad" last night. He's the grey-haired scotch drinker from "The Blue Collar Comedy Tour." A lot of his jokes were the same as the ones from the first Blue Collar movie, as "Tater Salad" was filmed in Kalamazoo not too long after they were in Phoenix to film "Blue Collar." I mean, these jokes were the same, almost word for word. Pause for pause. His timing, spacing and pronunciations were even the same. He's got his material down pat, which means he's a great actor. He can deliver his material and make you think he's just rambling off the cuff.

He has a part where he talks about his wife's flair for drama and her lack of domesticity. These were also part of "Blue Collar," but then he says, "Actually, I'm just kidding. We got a divorce. I just couldn't tell you that just yet because I still wanted to use those jokes."

He then proceeds to talk about the divorce, which was a combination of his infidelity and her insistance that slashing his tires is actually mentally sound. He was candid about the divorce. I've known people who have never gotten over divorces and think of them as the darkest, most horrible events imaginable, worse than cancer, and this guy was talking openly about it.

I cheered.

Because you know that there had to be at least one person in that auditorium that night who had been through the same thing and could relate. Hell, statistics and trends being what they are, I could say that maybe even half (or more) of those people could relate. So, for them, Ron White talking frankly about him cheating on his crazy wife wasn't him taking a joke too far or violating the Victorian notion that we're not supposed to talk about unpleasant things. To these people, Ron White was articulating what they already knew, because they experienced it themselves.

You can even apply that rule to Bill Cosby's comedy. No, Bill doesn't cuss, and Bill didn't have the same type of marriage, but he was able to talk about stuff that people could relate to: growing up so poor that you couldn't even afford a tree. Paul Harvey used to repeat that every Christmas and in turn, my dad would tell that story every Christmas. If you think about that -- being so poor that you have to scrounge around to get the trimmings from someone else's tree to make a fake tree of your own -- then you'll get depressed and you'll feel powerless because you can't go back in time and give Bill an ideal Christmas. But if you just listen to the candor and humor (and lack of angst) in his voice and delivery, you can find a way to cope with it.

And of course the master of this type of empathetic comedy was Richard Pryor.

Another thing I found interesting about watching "They Call Me Tater Salad" was that Ron White addressed the topic of homophobia. I say this is interesting and even surprising because, let's face it, a big part of the "Blue Collar" tour was a celebration of all things redneck, including bashing the Dixie Chicks and Hillary Clinton. Bill Engvall made a joke about his son's gay scout leader, and Jeff Foxworthy joked that "Queer Eye For The Straight Guy" was a lot more entertaining than watching five straight guys trying to help a gay man, but those comments were the only mentions of homosexuality.

So for Ron White, probably the one you'd think of as the most macho, to say something, well, I was surprised. He said that it makes no sense to be homophobic, because, and in his words, "everyone is at least a little bit gay, it's just that some are more gay than others." He was telling this to his incredulous friend, and so he said, "Look, when you're watching porn, do you only like girl on girl stuff?" The friend said no. The friend said he could get into a scene with a guy and a girl. So then Ron says, "Well, do you like the guy to be flacid and small?" The guy says, "No! I like big, hard, throbbing... Uh, wait a minute. Wow, I guess you're right, Ron, we're all at least a little bit gay."

For a guy whose audiences probably include people who fly the stars and bars from their porches and pick-ups, this was ballsy for Ron to say. But everyone laughed. Because it's funny.

Again, just another instance of watching a comedian where you think, "Ya know, a lot of this is the type of stuff Richard Pryor used to do." And it's true. Whether you're gay (Ant, Ellen DeGeneres), bi (Sandra Bernhard), liberal (Lewis Black), less-than-left (Bill Engvall), black (Adele Givens, etc.), you have some sort of joke in your arsenal that can be pointed back to Richard Pryor. I don't mean to beat this like a dead fucking horse (or like a dead comic), but I get into comedy the way that some people get into music. And Richard was bigger to comedy than the Beatles were to music.

And I love those fucking Beatles.

"Tell Bill to have a Coke and a smile and shut the fuck up. Jell-O pudding eatin' motherfucker."
-Eddie Murphy, quoting Richard Pryor

To battle my insomnia on Saturday night, I turned on Comedy Central's "Roast of Pamela Anderson." Bea Arther, Eddie Griffin, Greg Giraldo, Jeffrey Ross, Lisa Lampanelli, Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman each stood up there and made fun of Pamela Anderson's boobs, movies, relationships and diseases. Courtney Love and Tommy Lee were also there, meaning they also got to be the butts of jokes. Jeffrey Ross even went so far as to say Courtney Love looked "worse than Kurt Cobain right about now."

Earlier that day, the wires moved the news that Richard Pryor was dead at 65. The multiple sclerosis that he had joked about had finally taken his life. When watching that Pamela Anderson roast, I could recognize Pryor's influence. And his absence.

Richard Pryor was the greatest comedian because he was able to take painful experiences -- emotional and physical -- and turn them into side-splitters. He wasn't mean or malicious, but no one could ever accuse him of being nice or gentle. He called things as he saw them and often did it with the F-bomb. But beyond his profanity was a message that couldn't be told by someone who wasn't compassionate. However bombastic, he was always honest, even to the point of admitting his faults. Eddie Izzard, Bill Hicks, Chris Rock, Eddie Murphy, Monique, Adele Givens, Sommore, D.L. Hughley and anyone who stands up in front of an audience baring their souls with humor and edge all owe Richard Pryor for having the balls to get up on stage in the 1960s and talk about race with the same ease that comics can do it now. People think it's sensitive to mention race now. Imagine doing it when dogs and water hoses were being unleashed on you.

People can cuss, bitch, moan and just generally flail about, but without an honest giving of yourself, without a social conscience, without a reason beyond getting laughs, there is not a reason to do stand-up. I'm not saying Richard Pryor or Bill Hicks were Jesus. They were flawed humans, but they had loaded messages. I'm not sure how many comics can put that amount of zeal into things, no matter how often they bash Bush or denounce stupidity. If I ever do another stand-up show, I am well aware that I could never ever fill those shoes, try as I might.

Of course, if I were to even attempt to trying to fill said shoes, I might avoid the whole freebasing and setting yourself on fire thing. To each his own, I guess.

White Boy Blog Party FAQ

Where have you been for the last two months?

I moved into an apartment without Internet access. This situation hasn't stopped Dan with his blogging, as he's been able to go to the library to update his blog. I was planning on doing that, but I had some setbacks. The major one being that Harvey, my beloved '96 Buick, died right before Halloween. Actually, he was coughing and hacking that whole week, but it was a Thursday in late October that he finally died. While I was in an intersection. Awesome.

So then I was on the pursuit for a replacement. Fixing Harvey could take up to four grand, and so I opted to go buy a new car. Shopping for the right deal took time and I was relying on co-workers to get to work. Luckily, there are a handful of other newsroommies who live within a five-block radius, and Emma is a fantastic roommate/driver, so I was able to get to work.

Finally got a new car a few weeks ago, but I then became sick and had to prepare for a rather big trip.

All that aside, I'm back from my trip, I have a car, and I am now typing this blog post in the public library.

Thus explains the absence of the Pat.

Ironically enough, this blog is maybe 10 or so posts away from the 300th post. It took my 9 or so months to reach 100, a little more than a year to reach 200, and it will have been a year and a half since 200 when we finally reach 300. Blogging from the library is not as convenient as blogging from home, but Emma and I get by quite well without Internet at the apartment.

So, things that have happened since I last blogged:

1. I moved from the house on 45th into Emma's spare bedroom. It is a fantastic apartment, about two blocks from the beach. Furthermore, it's near some good bars and restaurants. And, of course, Emma is a great roommate. I'm not just saying this because she's noted the lack of mention on the blog.

2. Janelle started her new job in Virginia. She's keeping busy and I'm sure she'd find it cute to know that people who have never even met her have asked about how she's doing. I'd say she's doing well. :)

3. There's a new family member in St. Louis: Murphy, a golden retriever. He's adorable, and I was lucky to meet him when I picked up my car.

4. My parents celebrated their 39th wedding anniversary. This isn't really *my* achievement but it's something of which I am proud.

5. I made my stand-up comedy debut, and people did not throw tomatoes. In fact, the club owner asked me to come back.

6. The new Madonna album came out. It's one of her best in recent years, right up there with "Erotica" and "Ray Of Light." It's a return to her earlier dance hits, with disco influence on every track. Correct: there are no ballads on this album, and it flows quite nicely from beginning to end. It's going to be a great classic among the boy-kissers and club crowd, but it's also just right for the times. For those feeling discouraged by the political climate, put this on and just chill.

7. "The O.C." returned from its October hiatus. The dean is out, Taylor's still in. Ryan's hair perennially looks like it has *just* been cut. Seth's hair looks shellacked.

8. "Desperate Housewives" was kinda lukewarm early on but now it's red hot. OMFG, I love it. Andrew is back and so is Justin, but sadly, we're being teased. And Justin has a mullet. And it's GROSS.

9. Because I love both shows, I've started a weekly digest for each of them, recapping the previous episode. Let me know if you are interested.

10. I finished Dan Savage's book about same-sex marriage and it is a must read. I don't care if you're Ellen DeGeneres or if you're Jerry Falwell, you need to read this. I'd even send a copy to the staff at The Artisan. I don't care if I would never be let in again, it is a must-read. Fuck, I'd almost have my mother read it.

11. It's December and I'm wearing short sleaves.

12. There's more, but I can tell you that via e-mail. You'll know why. :)