Saturday, April 30, 2005

"I'm not watching it anymore, because this is ridiculous. I think it's rigged. I find it hard to believe that more people are voting for Scott and that Ukrainian kid. Half of America wants to bear Constantine's children, and you're going to tell me more people vote for Scott and Anthony? There's no way. I don't believe it."
-- one of my coffee dealers


Yes, America, you are on crack. Constantine was not necessarily going to win, but I figured that the pre-teens, the teens, the middle-aged and the thirty-something cat-ladies would all rally together to keep this pouty Greek in the competition. I've heard women say some lewd things about Constantine, and so I thought his status as sex symbol would save him.

Of course, when those lewd women have to work on Tuesday nights, that throws a wrench in there...

Here's my thing about "American Idol." Other people who watch it get just as involved as Janelle and I do. The other day I was getting coffee and I was talking to the coffee dealer about the previous night's happenings when I heard a voice next to me say, "I agree." I looked over and it was some stranger who also happened to watch the show. As did her husband. The two of them joined Robin and I in a rather-lengthy analysis of the show.

But it was awkward. How do you end a conversation with strangers? I had to go, but I couldn't be like, "Well, I have to get to work, but I'll catch you later?"

So I said, "I have to go to work, but may the right person win."

But that sounded weird, too. It sounded like the type of thing a Klansman would say during an a election year or during some sort of crooked competition. Sure, I like the Wu-Tang Clan, but I am no Klansman.

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Wednesday, April 27, 2005

This summer will be nerd summer:

1. If I didn't have a million reasons to want to go to Chicago this summer, I have yet another: Lollapalooza 2005. The Pixies, Weezer, Cake, Dashboard Confessional, Blonde Redhead, Billy Idol, Digable Planets, Death Cab For Cutie, The Killers, The Bravery, and so much more. Two days. Last night, passes for both days were $85. Tonight, they were $100. My friend Mark will go in my place, most likely, unfortunately.

2. "Batman Begins" comes out in less than two months and I am pumped. Christian Bale + Katie Holmes = Pat's head exploding. And it's got the director from "Memento," and it will have Gary Oldman. If you're not uber-excited, then you are a communist and you have hate running through your veins.

3. Three weeks and one day until "Revenge of The Sith."

4. "Hitchhikers' Guide To The Galaxy" is getting shitty reviews.

5. New Ben Folds AND new Oasis.

6. Hopefully season 2 of "Arrested Development" will be on DVD by the end of summer.

7. Not really summer-related, but still nerdy: I have come to terms with "American Idol" and its wayward fans. I, as a fan who is not wayward, found it hard to accept how Ruskie and Scott had stayed on so long. I am confident they won't be on too much longer, but I no longer disdain them. Ruskie's performance was third-best tonight, and while Simon was right to say Scott should pack his bags, I must say that the portly guy from Cleveland is no longer public enemy. No, that title goes to someone else. I don't know who, but not him.

That is all.

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Monday, April 25, 2005

The new crop is ready to unveil...

More funny sentences in my inbox...


1. He had a story in regular type except for a paragraph set in Wingdings. Drove me NUTS. And he was heralded as genius. If that's genius, I prefer to be an idiot. At least I'd be a legible idiot.

2. It's like I'm 4 years old and I need to be told to wipe my ass.

3. Archbishop=Fuckface. Even MY mom thinks so.

4. How could I have been a fag hag so long and now the boy I'm going to marry hasn't heard of the Laramie Project?

5. Anyway, I don't think he has a problem with sexual activity as long as it does not include actual sex, because sex is wrong, but sticking your cock in people's mouths before you are married is no big deal. (Reminds me of my friend who'd only done Anal and was determined that she was still a virgin.) Ah Youth.

6. In the mean time, I am planning what I will do tonight when I get home: bitch to my mom, laundry, watch Lost in Translation, plan a hipper outfit than what I'm wearing now.

7. Umm...if anyone ever replaced my birth control with sugar I would become a homicidal maniac.

8. On a related note, my pussy is no longer on the internet. And by pussy I mean the cat I'm trying to adopt.

10. she mostly cries. It's very odd. She calls me every once in a while to talk about herself, that's always interesting.

11. I want to be somewhere gay and warm...work is cold and straight :(

12. So we drove to Mexico...from London. Yeah, I know that's impossible, but in my dream it was very real! The Mexicans rather reminded me of the Irish for some reason.

13. Only on Launch can I hear "your song" from Moulin Rouge, immediately followed by "party up" by DMX. I think there may be something abnormal about my taste in music.

14. I can't imagine he isn't the subject of all discussions of everyone who's ever met him. Excuse me. What I meant was, HE can't imagine he isn't the subject of all discussions of everyone who's ever met him.

15. Twenty-four hours before I arrived, she was surrounded by amniotic fluid (and some other stuff we won't mention for the sake of decency - a line which I've already crossed by mentioning amniotic fluid).

16. Saw Aviator this afternoon. Can Scorsese make a movie shorter than the gestation period of a mammal? I don't think it could happen.

17. ok ... you may not think this is creepy but i do .... just the other night I dreamed that someone (maybe it was you??) made me a chococalte icing and dark cherry cake. And although I never knew such a thing existed ... it was yummy yummy yummy. I ate the whole thing and swallowed my tongue in the process.

18. Too bad the boys on stage weren't attractive or else I might have cared. Instead it was a fleshy, flaccid fest full of monkey faced freaks and old geezers jiggling their moth balls.

19. Let's say I'm 800 pounds and I walk in with a midget on a leash wearing nothing but a jockstrap. What level of customer service should I expect?

20. I've also written some summer camp guides, a piece on Catholic schools, and two pieces on old people. Fuck old people. Well don't. They'd turn to dust.

21. But I'd get my own office all to myself with no one else inside the building. That means I could whack it anytime of the day and no one would be the wiser. Awesome!

22. He's hot and fun to look at besides being a good friend. So chilling with him gives me all the perks of going to a gay bar without the need to strut or spend money.

23. But, you know, minus the making out and the fact that he touched my left boob.

24. One of these days I'll have to see you again. I'll let you touch my rock-hard abs if I can pat your tummy.

25. Actual sex kind of freaks me out because I think it would be extraordinarily painful for me for a long time until I got used to it. I don't like anything IN there, ever.

26. I want to make out with them, yet I constantly live in fear of hurting them. I really need to find someone to make out with who makes more sense and who was born in the '80s.

27. Re: Asians, she totally touched herself. That's why she kept her nails trimmed. And I know more about this topic that I ever wanted to know. They are all big liars.

28. women never get it easy. we don't have our period when we're pregnant -- but then we have to be pregnant and go through the hell of childbirth. and then comes menopause, but we get hot flashes and hormonal imbalances ... sigh. life is tough.

29. So I think I told you how lots of girls I knew in high school have jobs in the sex industry working as doms. and foot whores. So I was on Friendster for the first time in AGES yesterday (given my state of exile) and I found a girl who I had been VERY friendly with when I was a freshman and sophomore and she is now a sex worker too! Her Friendster profile is ridden with these hilariously disgusting and graphic shots that I cannot even begin to describe. I probably shouldn't send e-mails like this to you at work.

30. I cannot believe you accepted him! Anti-Charlie groups are so two days ago.

31. Actually, my mother said "You kinda look like an abuse victim." Thanks, Mom.

32. Fuck, who TALKS like that? And she spelled it "recieved." That is punishable by hell.

33. is it bad that i've been mean to the dumb girl at work who came in and coughed all over everyone last week and passed her sickness on to me? i feel like crap and whenever she comes in to ask me something i've been kinda rude.

34. And I just realized I don't think I've peed since like 3:00 today.

35. SORRY, I got drunk all afternoon and forgot to call. how's tonight?

36. If you have been on drugs all night and an ex from years ago calls you out of the blue, you might have a deal breaker. If you still go with her and spend the night, you are on thin ice. If the next night the police awaken you to let you know this same ex is passed out in your driveway with her pants down, you most certainly have a deal breaker. Your mom even drops her off at the "hospital." DEAL BREAKER!

37. Well since I'm not going to the second interview
P(Getting Job) >.000001
Oh my god I'm such a dork.

38. She says she feels like she's getting close but then it feels like she has to go to the bathroom really bad and she doesn't want to go on the guy. Well, uhh, you're not going to go to the bathroom, and b) learn to do it yourself. Then you don't have to worry about peeing on anyone!

39. How true. Sorry for the delay, I was just recalling moments with big dicks both literal and figurative.

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Sunday, April 17, 2005

Some odds and ends to share:

1. Most of you know that Hilary has started a blog in anticipation of the birth of Britney's child. She's inviting anyone and everyone to guess what the little goober will be called. She's even started a Facebook group for it and as of 11 p.m. on Sunday, there were 20 members.

2. There are new jobs to announce, some really new, some not so new:
A) Courtney will be taking a job near Chicago
B) Shaffer will be doing graphics in San Diego
C) Maureen is in Toh-lay-doh
D) Katy is still in D.C., but at a cooler job

3. Janelle is back from her cruise. I received no fewer than five drunk dials from her and her mother during the week. I'm sad that there will be no more. Until the next time they're together, that is.

4. "Desperate Housewives" is getting steamier, but I'm not sure what I think of Andrew's "I came out, I didn't come out" scheme. He said, "I like vanilla, but sometimes I'll be in the mood for chocolate," to which the pastor said, "Well, God would prefer it if you stuck to the vanilla." Funny lines, but I'm not sure if I like that he's pretending to be a gay Christian just to piss off his mom. And I'm confused as to what his big thing is he'll think he'll do to ultimately piss her off.

5. The voters on "American Idol" have this week and next week to rectify the sins of the past three weeks. If Scott Savol does not go this week, there will be murder on the dancefloor. And every floor.

6. George Clinton was two hours late to his own show last night, but when he showed up, he was on. He was high as a kite, though. Sir Nose had made a cloth sign that said, "Fuck George" and one of the House of Blues security guards took it from him every time he held it up. It was a good show, though, and it was my first in Myrtle Beach.

7. "Revenge of the Sith" comes out in one month, one day and one hour.

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Wednesday, April 13, 2005

I wonder if this means Joe has to retake it.

SAT scores: 2400 is the new 1600 [CNN]

"In the year 200X..."


Capcom has FINALLY released "Mega Man Anniversary Collection" on XBox, meaning Scott got an early birthday present. I found out when tooling around online trying to find "Mega Man 2" on old school Nintendo, and saw that the anniversary collection was finally on XBox. Scott and I had been pissed in the fall when we couldn't get it, because it was only released on Playstation and GameCube.

We played it till about three last night.

We couldn't remember who you have to beat first, whether it's Metal Man or Bubble Man. I was getting my ass kicked on both levels, so I opted to take on Flash Man, and I actually beat him. Scott then beat Bubble Man.

We're not asking for codes, because we want to do it ourselves, but we do want to know, what order should be taking these guys on? What kills which one? Does it matter?

I know that was a big fatty nerd alert, but get used to it, because "Episode III" is coming out in a month and some change. This blog will be nerd central. I'll try to balance it out.

Wait, what am I saying? This blog is ALWAYS nerd central. And you must be at least part nerd yourself.

One last thing


There are new photos on the right. Most recent ones toward the top. Hilary says I look like my mom in some of those. Not sure what I think of that.

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Sunday, April 10, 2005

Mom: What are you up to today?
Pat: Not much. C.J. and I are just sitting on the reclining chair and he's letting me rub his tummy.
Mom: Huh. So, are you, like, becoming a CAT person?
Pat: Aww hell, you little shithead! He tried to bite me!
Mom: Oh!
Pat: I told you not to do that!
Mom: Oh!
Pat: OK, he's good. I just had to spray water at him. Yeah, I think I am becoming a cat person.

Or as much of a cat person as you can be if you don't own one and don't want to own one.

I don't have a cat, but Scott does and Janelle does, which I guess means that, by default, I DO have a cat. Scott's cat, C.J., warmed up to me rather quickly, and now he likes to sit on my lap when I read so that I can rub his tummy. Thing is, he'll get so into it that he'll get excited and try to bite.

This happens a lot, and it happened once when I was on the phone with my mother. My mom is allergic to cats and has thus always hated them. We can only be in my aunt's house for an hour before my mom starts sneezing.

C.J. is orange and looks like Puss 'n' Boots in "Shrek 2." I thought that if I did have a cat, I woud name it Otis, and here's why:

Our grocery store of choice is a 24-hour one, and the guy who works the graveyard shift is named Otis. The first time I met him was the night before Thanksgiving, when he noticed my apples and pie crust and asked if I was making pies. He had black hair in a ponytail, clear skin and no eyebrows. Looked like he could be a drag queen, as he had fantastic bone structure. Well, ever since then, he stands out more and more. He flattened his hair. He wore lip gloss. He got a French manicure. And he had dyed his hair orange (except for a platinum spot in the back) and had it all swooshed up, like he's a rooster. He talks as though he's Lady Chablis in "Midnight In The Garden of Good and Evil" and says stuff like, "Have a good one, for you AND yours."

Thus, I would have an orange cat, and I would name him Otis.

But I'm OK without a cat. Cat food smells so much worse than dog food. Besides, Janelle's cat rules our house and he wouldn't want a roommate.

Twice, I've come home and he's watching TV: once, he was watching "The Witches of Eastwick," and another time, "Something's Gotta Give." And yesterday, he was playing on the computer.

He was smart enough to run out of the room last night when I watched "Malibu's Most Wanted." Smart cat. That movie sucked. Ass. One star out of five. I can't believe I didn't have the thought to run out of the room, too. Smart cat.

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Thursday, April 07, 2005

"I swear, if Ruskie or Savol make it past the next two weeks, I'm gonna scream..."


Seriously, Pom-Pom. This is ridiculous.

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Monday, April 04, 2005

And it's all for me grog, me jolly, jolly grog
All for me beer and tobacco
Well I spent all me tin on the lassies drinking gin
Across the western ocean I must wander...

-Irish folk song


From: Ole Kelly

We have some pictures of the last few breaths of the Old Joint.

Go to www.fentonfunclub.com

Satellite Andy who edits and writes the page also took the pictures.

With few exceptions, they all suck, especially of me. I used to be much younger.

Best Regards,
Ole Kelly


These pictures are not award-winners, of course, but they kinda capture the grit and atmosphere of the Korner. It's funny how many celebrities came out for the final days.

Of course, there's someone who didn't get to be there. There was a certain nostalgia to all those photos, but it's this one that breaks my heart the most.

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i've been in the journalism school too long... to the point when the first thing i think of when famous people die (i.e. Schiavo and soon to be JP II) is that it isn't on our news cycle. callous or consumed in journalism? i can't decide.
-from David's livejournal


Can't really say much more than that. Kinda said something like it when the Columbia shuttle disaster happened two years ago. What's more is that how a Catholic reacts to both Schiavo and the pope is supposed to say a lot about them, and I just don't know how to react. At all.

Moving on...


I'm kinda sorta in the process of moving, from Scott's to Janelle's. It's like I'm in a custody battle, but not really. At all.

So, blog posts might be scattered for the next week or two. But not like January or February levels. Or maybe.

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Saturday, April 02, 2005

I would try to think of something to say, but I have said some of it before. And I feel like we're living through that all again. And I hate it.

I will say this, though, and that's that McClellan's column captured all the moments I captured in the above blog post. But, the correct comment was "fucking Big Wheel," not "blanking Big Wheel."

Oh well. I guess it doesn't matter now.

Modern life has no room for saloon with stories like Kelly's [Post-Dispatch]

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