So, in high school, Mark was one of my best friends. We used to banter back and forth about the jocks, priest molesters, shitty bands, hardcore, death metal, etc. He always knew more about music than me (and still does, as this post will show), and I thought I was about to tell him about The Rapture, a band I've gotten into, when we had THIS conversation.

Mark: i have not heard any of those bands
Mark: i recently heard Peaches for the first time, pretty wild shit
Pat: theyre decent
Pat: not heard Peaches yet
Pat: Fatherfucker
Pat: hahaha
Mark: my hardcore band played with the Rapture, that was wild
Pat: WHAT
Pat: YOU PLAYED WITH THE RAPTURE??????????????????????
Pat: In Chicago??
Mark: naw
Mark: at the Knitting Factory in NYC
Pat: you played with the Rapture????????????????????
Mark: i dont really dig them
Pat: but
Pat: you
Pat: played
Pat: with
Mark: i never told you this?!?!?!?
Pat: them
Pat: ???
Pat: NO
Pat: JACKOFF
Mark: that's not even the coolest part
Mark: haha
Pat: (hatfield on now, spin the bottle)
Mark: i play in a band called Punch In The Face, with older dudes
Pat: you fucking tool
Pat: right i remember that
Mark: who were in the chicago HC bands that i loved in high school
Mark: charles bronson, mk ultra, los crudos, etc
Mark: and the singer of Charles Bronson works for Cartoon Network's Adult Swim
Mark: my band went on tour (east coast, about 9 days), and the same day we were playing in Brooklyn (right across from the Marcy Projects, where Jay Z and a bunch of rappers are from...horrible area)
Mark: the same day, there was a private party for all the Adult Swim employees
Mark: so the singer of charles bronson somehow weaseled his way into getting his friends' bands from chicago to play this party, AFTER the Rapture played though (as the party was kinda winding down)
Pat: and that friend's band...
Pat: was YOUR band
Mark: so we're loading our equipment in there
Mark: duh
Pat: fuckface
Mark: genius, HAHA
Mark: one of the bands we toured with, from toronto, called FUCKED UP, got to meet david cross and get his picture taken with him
Pat: is that the singer?
Pat: OH
Pat: MR SHOW
Pat: FUCK
Mark: and all the creators of Spongebob and Aquateen and shit were all there
Pat: holy shit
Mark: so my shitty hardcore band got to piss all these yuppie cartoon creators off and TRASH one of most famous underground clubs in America
Pat: HAHA
Pat: were you bass or drums?
Mark: and we all got paid 100 bucks and got free aquateen shirts out of it
Mark: drums
Mark: they had these paper machet (sp???) Meatwad (character on Aquateen Hungerforce) hanging from the ceiling, and i tore the bottom out of one of them, and wore it while we played a song
Mark: i couldnt see or hear anything
Mark: there's pictures of it, pretty retarded shit
Mark: and during that song, our singer, who played drums in los crudos, broke his wrist cuz he slipped on some olives that someone had taken from the bar and thrown across the room
Mark: so we had to cancel the last two shows of our tour, which would have been the two best: montreal and toronto

He also gets to see PJ Harvey in a few weeks, and he's going to see The Pixies. In Chicago. Two nights. In a row. With Urge Overkill opening. OK, I know this is all pretentious, but know that this makes Mark one hot beyotch. I thought he was cool because he made a seven-foot schlong out of snow, but no, this makes him ten times cooler.

OK, you all know I am a sucker for surveys and music, and I can't even resist those surveys that involve music, so here goes.

Fill in questions with lyrics from artist: Ben Folds (Five)

Describe yourself:	"'cause my peers, they criticize me And my ex-wives all despise me Try to put it all behind me But my redneck past is nipping at my heels"
How do you feel about yourself:	"I see that there is evil And I know that there is good And the in-betweens I never understood Would you look at me I'm crazy But I get the job done I'm crazy but I get the job done"
Describe where you live:	"The hardback cafe closed down Now we've got Office Town"
Where would you rather be:	"The leaves are falling back east That's where i'm gonna stay"
Say something to someone you love:	"I love you more than I have ever found a way to say to you"
Describe how you live thinking about that someone:	"You have made me smile again In fact, I might be sore from it It's been a while I know we've been together many times before I'll see you on the other side But don't change your plans for me"
Say something to an ex:	"There are rooms in this house that I don't open anymore Dusty books of pictures on the floor That she will never see She'll never see that part of me I want to be for her What I could never be for you"
Say something to the person who broke your heart:	"Did you get my other letters Sometimes I think I oughta call Cause you know I often wonder If you open them at all Every couple nights or so y'know You pop into my dreams I just can't get rid of you Like you got rid of me Oh but I send my best Cause God knows you've seen my worst"

Aren't those fun? I love 'em. Thanks to David for providing me with that concept. I told him I'd have to do another one (or three), so maybe you'll see one with Ani, The Magnetic Fields and New Order. Yeah, Ben Folds the only straight person on one of my lists? Surely, you jest.

Welcome to the (beautiful) south

Ha! What a great segue.

OK, so being a fish out of water has taught me some great new Southern terms. They might not be ONLY Southern, but they were new to me.

Showing your ass: I would think this means showing your bare butt, but no, this means "being an asshole" or being immature, often used when you're drunk.

Wrecked in: Broken beyond repair, wiped out, hung over, sore, in pain, or anything within that range.

Dinner: No, I have heard of dinner, but it's what I call what you eat around 6 p.m., not what you eat at noon. Apparently, it is what I call "lunch" and can also mean any meal in general.

'Bagger: As in "carpetbagger," a derogatory term for Northerners. I am told I am not a bagger, as Missouri was a border state. I was told, however, that I would get my "ass kicked" if I should ever again talk like a "condescending" Yank.

Come to Jesus: A "Come to Jesus" talk is a big talk, usually an unpleasant one where one of the parties involved is confronting the other one for, well, showing their ass.

Getting it right, and getting paid

I might be having trouble adjusting to not having much of a social life outside my job, but I don't resent my job, nor am I having any trouble adjusting to said job. I love said job. I spent four years at Mizzou with a great social life, but unsure as to what I wanted to do WITH that life. I mean, I liked reporting, I was decent at copy editing, I loved HTML stuff, I could edit online and copy stuff, but I wasn't really quite content with anything, which is why I tried just about everything. So glad I did graphics, as that's what's stuck, but I'm glad I did that last, as it allowed me to do everything else.

I've found my niche and hit my stride in terms of journalism goes. I've always been a communicator, a doodler, a drawer, a visual person who can't tell a story just with words. This allows me to use my communication knack, my ability to mimic and learn computer programs and my love for art. This is kinda a slam dunk in terms of job skills and a good fit. I'm not perfect at any of it just yet, but hell, I'm 23. To paraphrase Madonna, no one is on top of his or her game at 23. She would say Leonardo DiCaprio was, but I contend that is bullshit.

The ronin posts again

And actually, I am feeling like a ronin here. Not so alienated or lonely, but definitely isolated.

I'd say that socially I'm slowly finding my niche here. If anything, my niche is going to be as the fly-on-the-wall guy who is getting used to this wacky town. There are 200,000 full-time residents but there are 13 million tourists per year, so it feels as if half the East Coast is driving alongside you. The good thing about it being such a tourist trap is that there is no shortage of bars or restaurants. A good number of them are tacky, but when you're the guy who was proud of knowing all the words to "Baby Got Back" and Soul Decision, tackiness is not too much of an issue.

Still, I'm trying to find my groove here. I'm enjoying the people I work with and we go out after work, but I want to have days that are more than just me waking up in time to go to work and then go out afterward. I'd like to find something to do before work. I'm slowly meeting new people at bars and stuff and through the people at the paper. Essentially, I'd like to meet people outside of work, or if I'm with people from work, have it go beyond talk about work, or have it be beyond drinking at bars. Besides the hurt on the wallet, it just gets boring. None of my meaningful relationships were born out of alcohol. Sure, some alcohol can be included, but it's not as though the bond is, "He likes Woodchuck, I love Woodchuck! We're best friends." And hell, good luck finding a steady supplier of Woodchuck here. Please.

Though, as I mentioned earlier, I figure that this is a great place to be a fly on the wall. A lot of the reporters hang out together, as do the copy editors. A lot of Mizzou people are here, too. I was out with the contingency of people from South Carolina and they are set on getting me Southern-ized. So, the social scene is pseudo-existent and slowly getting more interesting.

Of course, it would be nice if there was an arts scene here that was more sophisticated than Elvis tribute shows and Rod Stewart impersonators. I might be able to appreciate The (Small) Faces, but dammit, tribute shows are a little much.

Instructions: Pick a band and answer only using that band's song titles

The Cure

Are you male or female?: Boys Don't Cry
Describe yourself: In Between Days
How do some people feel about you?: Why Can't I Be You?
How do you feel about yourself?: Jumping Someone Else's Train
Describe your loooove interest/lovahhhh: Close To Me
Where would you rather be?: 10:15 Saturday Night
Describe what you want to be: Just Like Heaven
Describe how you live: Hot Hot Hot!!!
Describe how you love: High
Share a few words of wisdom: Let's Go To Bed

Isn't that fun?

Deja P.U.

They say that S.C. is supposed to have a golconda of deer, but so far, I have not seen any. I guess it's because anywhere they could go is being torn down to make a mini-golf course, a seafood buffet, a strip mall or a Wendy's. I guess all the deer have opted to go to the upstate. Of New York, that is.

But I will say this about cultural nuances, and that's that midnight is a shitty time to leave the newsroom. Literally. See, the sewage plant is across the highway, right behind a water park. Thus, whenever it rains a lot (i.e. hurricane season), the sewage backs up into the water park and then the whole intersection smells. However, you can only smell it around midnight. I haven't figured out this ratio of time-to-shit-stink, but eww whee! It stinks. Only at midnight, that is.

Other cultural nuances of the Palmetto State?

Well, for one, liquor served in bars has to come from a mini-bottle. Absolutely no free-pours from normal-sized bottles allowed. Why? After Prohibition, some thumpers figured that limiting the size of the alcohol purchases would curb the amount purchased and thus would curb drinking. It's written in the state constitution.

Of course, because you can only use mini-bottles, you end up getting a full mini-bottle in all your drinks, and thus you're probably getting more alcohol. People, then, are getting more drunk, and it's contributing to a high rate of drinking and driving. Not to mention that we're a tourist destination that attracts people from states full of people who don't know how to drive (Illinois, Ohio, Pennsylvania, New York).

Another cultural nuance is that they smoke in bars here. That's not too new, I guess, and the real weirdos are the New Yorkers, who DON'T smoke in bars, because it's banned. I actually miss that, because as a non-smoker, I think the smell of cigarettes is quite ass-like, and I would prefer to go home not smelling like ass, if that is at all possible. If I smell like ass, I want it to mean I had a fun and wild night, not that some schmuck was burning his lungs down the bar from me.

But, don't let this discourage you about Murder Beyotch. Sure, there's some shitty scents and some bad traffic, but there are a lot of nice people. Part of it is the South, and part of it is that most of the people here are transplants, and either they feel too polite to be bitchy in a place not their own, or they know everyone else is foreign, just like them. I'd like to think it's more of the latter than the former, because I know that's why I'm not bitchy here.

I mean, I'm bitchin', but I'm not a bitch.

Kare-Bear has been nagging me to post, as it has been almost two weeks since I've partied it up White Boy Blog style.

Well! We can't have that.

Get out your spoons, people. A serving is on its way.

Reason #41582 why I believe in providence and serendipity

Yesterday was not a bad day nor was it too stressful, but it was just long and tiring. I got a lot done at work, but didn't finish everything I needed to do. I was ready to go home after work, but I met up with Brock, Emma and other folks from the paper and partook in a beer. Get that -- ahh beer.

Well, after said beer, I went home and was ready to just chill. I was pooped and worn out. I wasn't in a bad mood, just feeling blah.

When I got home, though, my luck changed. I went to the mailbox and what should be there but a Sunday edition of The Sun-Suntinel. It's from Ft. Lauderdale, and is considered one of the best papers for graphics. One of the first things I did when I got my address here was order a Sunday subscription to The Sun-Sentinel, as the Sunday paper always has a full-page graphic.

Thing is, I ordered this subscription three weeks ago and had been charged on my credit card for it, but I hadn't gotten a single issue yet. Getting it yesterday was a good way to reverse the blahs, and to boot, it was the Aug. 22 Sunday edition. The big graphic? Done by none other than ClubGraffixxxxxxx superstar and Katywamp DJ, S-Gr*bb-Seven.

And it was apt for the katywamp one: it was about a new technology that scans broken records and creates a digital sound file. It was so cool, I had to get online and tell none other than Big Papa P-Funk (D.P., for those of you keeping score at home), who had been our T.A. when were puttin' it on the glass.

Thus, with inspiration like that, I got online and started cranking out some hott beats via the ClubGraffixxxxxxx LAUNCH! Internet radio station. I will reiterate that I love these customized stations, particularly the one that S-Gr*bb, ReuReu and I customized. It's got Junior Senior, Madonna, MJ, Duran Duran and of course, shitloads of Wham. But this particular night, I got a good dose of Missy Elliott, The Ying-Yang Twins and Lil Jon. And then David got online. And then my brother. And thus, a blah night turned very very good.

I tell you it's all full-circle. The whole night was connected. I got good feedback on a graphic, got to see some good graphics, got to see Shaffer's, cranked out the hott beats, heard some nostalgic songs and then talked to some of the people responsible for said nostalgia. I tell you, it was all warm fuzzies in Pat-ville.

Does this read like a Hallmark card? Should I officially change my name to Chr*s L*nder? Because I feel like I should be writing sorority cheers. I'm such a sap.

So, because I've had a good weekend, I should have no problems writing today's installment of...

Reasons To Be Cheerful, Pt. 3

*A Post-Dispatch story about a 5-year-old who took a joyride in his uncle's car but made sure to buckle up, as he didn't want to get stopped by the cops for not wearing his seatbelt.
*AIM conversations that include: "it might have just been the Vu...and the fact that i was watching the stereotypical straight guy dance... of ... how long do i have to sway my hips with you till i can stick it in?"
*Getting birthday cards with gift certificates in them.
*Getting pictures from boot camp, including pictures that show me performing the Dow Jones rap.
*Hearing about my nephew's "bear party," which consisted of him clearing all the toys out of his room -- except for the bears -- so he could play with the bears and sing songs about bears.
*ClubGraffixxxxxxx Radio playing J. Geils, Madonna, Magnetic Fields, Ani, Talking Heads, Blondie and Lil Jon all in one string.
*C.J. licking my elbow to say "hi" and "feed me."
*Not getting wiped out by Frances.

Looking back on this post, it is pretty saccharine. I didn't mean to come off as Mary Fucking Sunshine. But I guess any of you wanting the cynic in me got it with the phrase "Mary Fucking Sunshine."