What am I supposed to do without my CELL PHONE?

I have a new cell phone. I was a dumbass and now my cell phone is full of water. This is not entirely awful, though, as I was going to get a new number soon, anyway.

Anywho, I have a new number, and it should be in your inboxes.

But as the other one is full of water, I probably don't still have your number, so feel free to call or e-mail. Because, well, you know why.

As we get closer to post #200, I'll continue with my nostalgic quotes, at least for a while. Because they're funny, and it's the time new FIGs are beginning. So there.

Pat: (quoting someone's advice) "Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. Run, don't walk. Run as fast as you can, and run very far away."
Jake: Wow. Can't get much clearer than that, eh?
Pat: Um, how about "She's a crazy bitch, and you should stay away from her"?
Jake: Okay, that'll do it!

-----

Pat: She was a little too...
Jake: Attached?
Pat: Yeah. Attached. Smothering. Clingy.
Jake: Yeah, she always did seem to have that sock-that-just-got-out-of-the-dryer-stick-to-you-like-a-mother-static-cling, didn't she?
Pat: Yes, and you're a genius for putting it like that.
Jake: Heh. I try.

-----

Pat: Here's her picture.
Josh: She's cute.
Rachel: She kinda has a lazy eye. But she is cute, though.
Pat: Too bad she's crazy.
Josh: There always is a catch!

-----

N*u: Dating girls from Kansas is bad for you.
Pat: Just like dating girls from the U.S. is bad for you.
N*u: Shut the fuck up.

-----

Pat: Well, I just got lectured about social ettiquette and how to act in relationships.
Jake: By the guy who runs around naked and the girl who paints flower pots?

-----

Pat: What did she say?
Jake: Eh, nothing too important.
Pat: She say anything about me?
Jake: No.
Pat: Oh.
Jake: Contrary to popular belief, the world doesn't revolve around you.
Pat: That's a lie, and you know it. See? You're reflecting off me. You're lucky I'm here, or you'd be in the dark.

-----

Pat: I'm lonely.
N*u: Go away.
Pat: But I'm lonely.
N*u: Well, you can't have me.
Pat: I don't want you.
N*u: I'd offer you someone, but I'm all out of f*cked up girls.
Pat: What, did M*deline go home?

-----

Pat: I mean, she did have her moments.
Jake: Sure, she was OK whenever she wasn't naked, screaming, crying, trying to kill herself or trying to make you be her Jesus Christ.
Josh: Uh, she was always doing that, dude.
Jake: Yup!
Pat: Oh. Well. Hmmmph.
Josh: Hey, on the bright side, at least she didn't dump you for God.

From a good chat with my friend, (Amy) Schwarzie:

Pat: But because he's a Democrat, he'll get the gay vote
Pat: but he won't be much better for gays than Bush
Amy: *sigh*
Pat: Ultimately, though, Bush's camp needs the gay issue
Pat: They need it because it distracts the public from the Iraq issue
Pat: What he thinks about gay marriage is of no importance
Amy: it just seems that our country is not ready for understanding gay issues.
Pat: But it takes away from the Iraq thing, and HE FUCKED UP
Amy: right
Pat: So if they can talk about something that really doesn't matter, then it buys him some time
Amy: yup
Pat: and the conservatives who would be pissed at him for the war can say "hey, at least he's right on the queers!"
Pat: but it's not like Bush or Kerry would be any different on the gay issues
Pat: You won't get a constitutional amendment that prohibits gay marriage
Pat: not on a federal level anyway
Pat: but you also won't get gay marriage
Pat: not now anyway
Amy: do you really think that any politician right now is going to be able to be really good for gay marriage?
Amy: the climate's not right.
Pat: I don't think so, either
Pat: You're right
Pat: So it's not a good issue for the elections which is why Kerry's been good to avoid it
Amy: i think within our lifetime we will see the climate change
Amy: because i think there is a majority of people in our generation who sees these things differently.
Amy: but right now, our parents are still in power.
Pat: and when the people who oppose it die...
Pat: it will be a no-brainer
Amy: exactly.
Pat: as it was with civil rights
Amy: yup.
Amy: it's exactly the same thing.
Pat: the people who opposed civil rights?
Pat: DIED
Pat: and then it passed
Pat: same thing will happen
Amy: the fact that the issues are out there right now and being debated is good.
Pat: right
Pat: the issues are baking but not ready for eating
Pat: still need to be on the burner
Amy: excellently put.

Of course, this is in no way an indication that I'm a fan of Michael Moore. He's done some good stuff and raised some good points, but, and I'm stealing this again from Schwarzie, he is a liberal Rush Limbaugh.

And why I'm at it, this Onion story is a must-read.

OK, enjoy!

But then there's the bad dirty, like "I just woke up naked, handcuffed to a fence surrounded by sheep that are extremely pissed at me and I don't even have a hangover to blame for it" type dirty.
-my friend's AIM profile

I've just finished my first week of work. It went very well and I am getting to dish out a lot of ideas. I'm pretty pleased about that, and the guy I work with directly is really good at what he does.

What's also good besides getting along with people at work is getting along with people AFTER work, too. And I do that. Myrtle Beach might be a tourist trap, but that ensures that there are tons of bars to hit up at night (or day, if you so desired). This past week, Janelle and I boogied with some of Celebrity Square's weirdest at a cheesy retro club called Revolutions. The 15-minute version of "Rapper's Delight" came on and the White Person Dance Party was of course in effect. It quickly became a White Boy Dance Party, though, as Janelle decided she couldn't dance to that song, but that was OK, as it provided the opportunity for me to dance with a beautiful girl from Samoa.

That's about all I know, so I will end this with more classic dialogues and exchanges.

Jake comments from a critique of his English 20 paper
Jake: "You could have said it was a parking lot, but you didn't just say a 'parking lot.' You said 'a well-lit parking lot. That's so creative." I am not making this up. I'm reading it word for word. This is what she wrote.
Pat: Wow.
Josh: to me Are you still heart-broken about her? Because, uh, I sure as hell hope not.

-----

N*u: You know, I saw her the other day by Brady.
Pat: Oh yeah? How'd that go?
N*u: She looked like she's pregnant.
Pat: What?!
N*u: Yeah, she looks like she's pregnant.
Pat: No she doesn't.
N*u: Well, I asked her if she was, and I don't think she liked it.

-----

Lurch: She's just...
Pat: A total mind-f*ck?
Lurch: Yeah.
Rachel: A dick in the ear, as we'd say?
Lurch: Yeah.
Rachel: Can I do the honors?
Lurch: Sure. (stands up and bends over, ear near Rachel's mid-section) OK, go.
Rachel: (thrusting toward Lurch's head) Dick in the ear!
Jake: (walking in mid-way) Kids, did I miss something while I was gone?

I miss you so much especially when holidays and birthdays come. But I know you, wherever you are will be drunk dancing or partaking in some other crazy fun.
-Courtney's birthday e-card to me, which included a dancing monkey in a Shriner's hat appearing to hump a lit birthday cake

Aye, she knows we TOO well.

After work, we hit up Bodo's, a neat German bar that looked like a dead grandmother's house. It looks as if an old lady died in the '70s and they added a beer tap. There are gawdy lamps and frames all over the place, and even coffee tables, night stands and couches. There's a German barmaid named Biebebka (or something like that). The cover band playing last night was really really good, and they played three or four Bowie songs, some Clash songs, "I Ran," "Tainted Love" and per request, Billy Idol. The WBDP came out in full effect, of course, as was to be expected. I made friends with a dancing guy who will probably be a stalker or nutjob killer within three years, as well as some cute girls wearing tank-tops.

Ever since I started college, my birthdays have been weird, as they kick off the academic year. I turned 19 when I started the FIG. I had just met everyone (Cr@nk, Jake, Courtney, D-Rock, Keith, Sh*pler, etc) and so I was not expecting anything for my birthday. But they used police tape outside my room and pasted pictures of me being arrested for drinking and me being violated by a corn cob. Most of those were K@t's handiwork.

Thus, my birthdays will always make me think of that one (and why Kansas is a goofed-up little state). And now I have more reason to think about that era...

Great things about drinking with your former J200
TA

Yes, three years after said class, once both you and said TA are out of the MU system, you can bond over some beers.

My former J200 TA is a reporter here in MB, believe-it-or-not, and thus, he had to help introduce me to this strange little ville of tackiness by taking me out last week with another reporter. If you're going to harm your liver, you might as well do it with someone you know and trust.

He was the TA for the first journalism class I ever had. I was a second-semester freshman. I was in a Freshman Interest Group (FIG) and the way those work is that they put you with 12 or so other souls of the same interests (or so they say), put you in the same dorm and in three of the same classes. It was like "Revenge of The Nerds" meets "Wonder Boys." (In case I still have any non-MU readers, I just thought I'd cover my bases).

Anywho, my FIG was placed in Dave's section of J200. We had a whacky bunch (including a few ASUM/MSA folks) and last night, David and I cut loose and shared some feelings.

Divulgence #1: He thought M@rci was hot.
Divulgence #2: She thought HE was hot.
Divulgence #3: So did K@t.
Divulgence #4: K@t left voicemails on his phone saying she was seeing visions and couldn't come to class.
Divulgence #5: I had to let him know my history with said individual.
Divulgence #6: Her dad was his superviser at a certain paper in K.C. which rhymes with "Tar," "Bar" or "Scar."

This was all funny, because I'd actually been thinking about the old FIG a little bit lately. Aside from the birthday nostalgia.

See, I found some old quotes I had written down from that era, and I began compiling them. Whether it would be for a blog post, a script, a horror flick, a DSM report, or something completely different, I had a good list going of quotes.

Thus, I will share you some of the essence that was our FIG...

In Mark Twain Market, where the FARCers also ate...
Marci: She took him away from me and now I want to pout.
Pat: I think she's cute.
Jake: He kinda looks like a blonde Harry Potter.
Pat: Yeah, but who likes Harry Potter?

-----

Pat: You know the only reason I hang out with you is because you're hot and it makes me look good to be seen with you, right?
Marci: Pat!
Pat: I'm kidding!
Marci: No, you're not! Pat, you hurt my heart!
Pat: HA! You've got a heart?
Marci: You've got a point on that. So you think I'm hot?

-----

Kenny: Okay, here's what we do. We'll all pee in a cup, and then pour it in a Gatorade bottle and put it on her door.
N*u: That's disgusting.
Ben: Normally, I'd oppose mass urination, but since she was such a bitch...
Kenny: Yeah?
Ben: Get me my cup.

-----

K*t: You know, even to this day, whenever he sees me, he looks away in terror. I try to smile at him in class and he just gets all scared. It's like he's still thinking I want to castrate him.
Pat: Hmmmm, imagine that, him thinking you're still crazy.

-----

Josh: She said I am to help you achieve great things.
Pat: What?
Josh: She said she consulted her spiritual guru about you.
Pat: What?!
Josh: She's got this spiritual guru in India who she talks to once a week, and she said he mentioned you by name. He said that you're going to do great things for the world, but that you will need help from a guy named Josh, because she won't be able to help you.
Pat: Because she's crazy.
Josh: Precisely.
Pat: So what else did she say?
Josh: Okay, this is where it gets weird. She said she's seen your soul and that it's very old, and that my soul is very young, and for me to help you, we both have to get in touch with our souls. So she looked up this mosque in the Loop and that she'd pay for us to take meditation classes there over Christmas break.
Pat: She's crazy.
Josh: I think we should take billiards lessons instead, and then when she asks, we can say, "What, you said billiards lessons, right?"
Pat: She's crazy.
Josh: Sorry, dude.
Jeff N*u: I told you she was a wacko. But hey, at least she didn't dump you for God.

-----

Pat: How does it feel to know we chased off half the people who used to live on our floor?
Josh: Great!

-----

Pat: You want to go with me to a Greek thing tonight?
Josh: No.
Pat: Great! It starts at 9.
Josh: I'm there. Can I wear my Elvis glasses and my flame shirt?
Pat: I wouldn't have it any other way.

-----

Later that night at RAMS
Josh: Who are those guys dressed up like shiny cowboys?
Pat: KAs.
Josh: Is "KA" code for "gay"?

NOTE: The guy that lived next door to us in the dorm quit DU to become a KA and recently came out.

-----

Pat: Our FIG was quite the rainbow.
Keith: It really was. We had one gay guy...
Pat: One lesbian...
Keith: And one you.

We could look out and see her hammock swinging back and forth as though someone was violently pushing and pulling it. Tree branches were flailing freely like the hands of Jack on "Will and Grace."

Yes, I have survived my first hurricane. We got pounded by winds and rain yesterday, but there was minimal damage. Some surrounding towns had roof damage and there a good number of fallen trees. We were out of power for 7 or so hours yesterday, but it didn't really affect me, because by 2, it was sunny and I was out getting food and surveying the damage. I saw a lot of fallen trees, but nothing like the stuff you saw in AP pictures. Thank God we didn't have any o' that.

Eerily enough, though, the panic for S.C. (i.e. the tourist evacuation) started on Friday, which happened to be Friday, the 13th. This was an appropriate day for a hurricane to be blitzing through, of course, and yet what was funny/unfortunate is that one of the copy editors went into labor that day, too.

Janelle: She went into labor on Friday the 13th! During a hurricane!
Scott: That kid is gonna go to jail.

But, we're OK, we've got power back, the cat's OK, I'm OK, you're OK...

Get it? It's a book title. Get it? Now read it. See, see? Get it?

Reasons to be cheerful, pt. 3

*A certain Mizzou grad student e-mailed MizzouMafia today and I thus learned that his middle name is "Spillane."
*This made me think of my friends and acquaintances with middle numes such as Lloyd, Laroo, Walther, Reams, Adair, Wagner, Lynnette, Aloysius, Brock, Tabor and Zilles. I just wanted to say I knew people with middle names such as "Laroo" and "Aloysius."
*A certain J-school prof sending out this unintentionally pretentious e-mail: "Time is looking for a reporter to string in western Missouri. Interested persons should contact..." (Italics mine)
*Knowing that my best friend from high school will go see my dad when goes home to St. Louis next week.
*Finding a bar that could very well become "my" bar.
*Finding a coffee house that will definitely become "my" coffee house.
*Finally hearing Kevin Lyttle on the radio. In the states.
*Michael Phelps whoopin' ass.
*Reading a good book (particularly one about forgers, counterfeiters, hoaxes, handwriting and the mystery of Joseph Smith).
*Finding out that I am not allergic to Scott's cat.
*Having a CD player in the car.
*Stereo Total, a band singing in German-French-Spanish-Japanese.
*Getting an IM from D.P. starting off with "yo."
*Getting drinks with my J200 T.A.
*Rehashing stories of the FIG.
*Knowing that the FIG saga began four years ago this week, when I was a fresh 19.
*Knowing that bullshit is behind me!
*Getting e-mails from the folks in O-town.
*Getting prepared for the next chapter.

Of course, neither South Carolina nor Missouri are the bastians of hoity toity culture

Pat: how's Indiana?
Kare-bear: speaking of, you've got to stop using Hoosier as a term for morons
Kare-bear: i live here now
Pat: HAHA
Pat: This is true
Kare-bear: thank you. because i am not a moron. no matter what anyone says, thankyouverymuch
Pat: What's funny is that my friend Erin, who is from Indiana, used to resent my use of "hoosier" and now i have her saying it.
Pat: The St. Louis use of "hoosier" doesn't relate our thoughts on people of Indiana
Pat: I don't know HOW it came to be
Pat: How that word became St. Louis-speak for "dumb hick"
Kare-bear: well, use dumb hick
Pat: I will have to make up a new word
Pat: That will be a blog contest!
Pat: Whoever comes up with a new term wins an ice cream cone
Kare-bear: go for it poodle
Kare-bear: how are you going to buy them an ice cream cone?
Pat: Using money
Pat: I can ship it Fed Ex
Pat: Or I can just eat it myself
Pat: Just because I buy it for them doesn't mean I have to give it to them
Kare-bear: LOL
Pat: It's kinda tricky as only a two people in S.C. read my blog
Kare-bear: that should be a caveat, you know, an asterik, terms and conditions of the contest
Pat: This is true!
Pat: Kare-bear, you really are the best
Pat: If you were here right now, I'd say, "Let's touch stomachs."
Kare-bear: indeed. we'll just have to lift our shirts towards our computers
Kare-bear: too bad we don't have internet cameras

Well, I used to, but after a while, S@lly B*xb@um ended using it as a strip-cam, and well, yeah...

But enough o' that crap!

In order to not confuse non-St. Louisans and to not offend residents of Indiana, such as Erin and her friend Leah Mae, I do propose we come up with a new term to replace "hoosier."

Now, please note that this is awfully big of me, as I have not budged on "hoosier" ever before. I haven't cared, but I thought that IM conversation was too good not to post.

Thus, I shall make a concerted effort to not say "hoosier" in reference to those who live at Wal-Mart, chew snuff, beat their kids in public, watch Dale Earnhardt, go to county fairs to see Unkle Cracker and keep Ponderosa in business.

That's not to say these types don't live in Indiana. Read on:

Kare-bear: and i got hit on by high school kids at a stop light the other night
Pat: HAHAHAHAHAHA
Pat: What hoosiers!
Kare-bear: yeah, they were. AND THEY WERE 4 OF THEM IN A STATION WAGON!
Pat: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK
Pat: Were they listening to John Mellencamp?
Pat: Foghat?
Pat: Foreigner?
Pat: Nelson?
Kare-bear: i don't know, i rolled up the windo
Pat: Poison?
Pat: How did they hit on you?
Pat: What was the angle they used?
Kare-bear: they rolled down the windows, when the light turned green, tried to stay even w/ me, but i pulled the top gun move
Pat: hahaha
Kare-bear: yeah, i'm sure they were toothless, i think one of them was growing a mullet, which is scary because that means HE WANTS ONE
Pat: Hey, nothing comes without hard work and effort

MYRTLE BEACH, S.C. -- I'm here, bitches!

But I'm not unpacked. Nor am I settled. But that won't stop me from sojourning 200 miles to the south this weekend to see (most of) my sibs. My sister and her husband are going to Savannah to see Brian and Wendy. Who knows when I'll get to see them again, and all at the same time, no less.

Thus, the WBBP is a little scattered and will continue to be for a week or so. I know, it's sad, because I know you all will want some blog lovin'. A whole spoonful of blog lovin', at that. Some might be on the iPod, as I was in D.C. with Stinky.

I will try to have some fun updates within the next few days, but, if that is not possible, then I have left you a steaming selection of...

Funny sentences in my in-box

I've visited about 30 countries. Unfortunately Casbah wasn't one of them. But I suppose I might be rocking it without even knowing. But then I might be Herbie Hancock. Eek!

He comes over and starts telling me I have to dance on the counter since it's my first time in the bar. I start making fun of his sweatshirt.

I'll use this address when I'm writing to Pat the 22 year old; ronin when I'm writing to Pat the 14 year old.

So you're making friends and switchblades. Sounds like prison except with more greenery.

I hope by old Missourians you mean newspapers and not bodies.

Today I moved Club Graffix into our new digs back behind the photo mayonnaise. Now we can crank the beats without disturbing the newsroom peace.

He is not afraid of the curse words... but maybe he was just trying to impress me.

Dad has been regretting the loss of his hat for ages, but tada! they had been holding it hostage! He's happy about being reunited with it.

I am the town oddity because i am not a frequent Walmart shopper, nor can i name all the nascar celebrities, nor did my ancestors float over on the goddamn mayflower and plant themselves firmly along the green banks of the susquehanna 10 generations ago.

If were her, though, I might withdraw the credit card offer after you offered your lube.

What you meant to say was, 'What a drunk and involved e-mail.'

What is that like, making out with someone who has a tongue ring? I've always wondered. Is it good for both of you? Cause I have a belly-button ring, which is awesome for me, but he doesn't really get anything out of it.

He is very bald and wears a gold bracelet. He looks like a little troll.

I wish more would retire, our staff is a wee bit top heavy. One of whom had not heard of the Champs Elysee. No, I'm serious. I need to post about that, actually.

You know better then to listen to what some j-school professor tells you especially an MU professor. As I've come to discover, most of them have lost complete connection with the actual business world of journalism that their advice and encouragement has become as antiquated as Bob Dole's penis.

I've decided if Erica Br00ks and I had a love child, it would be RA. She is totally the blending of us.

And I have to disagree with you on facial hair. I Hate it. (Yes, that's a capital H.) He shaves because I make him. It's a two-way street, though: He shaves, and so do I. (NOTE: a female sent this e-mail).

For the past three years, I really haven't hung out with her much one on one mainly because she has a large, cantankerous tumor attached to her hip that we all lovingly call her boyfriend.

If he was gay he certainly would not have worn those awful pants throughout the 98-99 era. He has to be straight to have such taste.

Despite the misspellings and grammatical mistakes, his words shine through. Haven't met the little human torch ("Flame On") but I'm looking forward to calling him sometime. Especially if the boy can tell me where to shake (or get) some booty.

Not so exciting for the journalists here though--big brother is always watching! In fact, he's probably reading this email, so must dash--

I then went to a party. The theme was pirates, which was great because I felt as if I'd already come in costume considering I am a pirate of the butt variety.

I got pretty tipsy and started blabbering to this drunk Northwestern journalism student about how one day she'll find herself alone in a motel room in Waukegan, IL staring at the ceiling and drinking herself to sleep, all the while wondering what the hell she's really going to do with her life. She and I both laughed after this, hers was out of nerves and mine was pure sadism.

I thought it was awesome, too. It's our 1A guy, and he always thinks of cool stuff. Almost every day the page looks entirely new. I don't know how he does it. Also, that little building mug he used in that package? That was given to him as lead art? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? If I were our AME for photo, I would've been embarrassed.

Seems to me, my hip-hop-rappin'-pop culture friend, that you owe me some hard copy of the lyrics from graduation night. I'm still waiting.....

There's this whole concept of a day job to satisfy the bills and independent work on the side to take a stab at your dream. That's my plan as of now. Get a white collar, ball sucking job for monetary and insurance purposes, but by night work on all the fantasies I wish to live out within the confines of my modest apartment. Maybe one day my writing or whatever I do will take off and I can kiss the day job
good-bye. But until then, I'm just another rat in the wheel looking longingly through the grates of my cage.

Sorry about the other night. I got off the phone with you and hurled. I think it was the nauseous feeling in my tummy and was provoked by my mother jamming the thermometer down my throat. But who knows, maybe it was hearing your voice on the other end of the phone. One of life's great mysteries. We'll never know.

Not only are (breasts) just glands, they are baby feeders, a type of nurturing hardware built right into the female of the species. So I ask, what in the hell does a grown man want to do with something that offers no benefits unless you're bald, toothless and two feet tall (I suppose there are crack head midgets that fit this description too but we don't consider those people. They're more like f-cked up ottomans).

Sister to Pat: Don't be a (newspaper) slut

Kerry: Now, remember, just because a paper flies you down, it doesn't mean you owe them anything. It's just like on a date. Just because they buy you dinner, doesn't mean you owe them S-E-X.
Pat: You don't?
Kerry: No.
Pat: Man, I'm such a slut!
Kerry:Uh...
Pat: Nah, usually there's never any dinner involved.
Kerry: Ahhhh! I'm not listening! I'm not listening!

Nevertheless, I'll be packing my bags and heading down to the Beach. Again.

Pat to South: Please don't lynch me

I've decided I like the South. Or maybe if I don't like the South, I at least like the people who come from the South. Sure, there was Daniel, the former FARCer, but he didn't HAVE to come from Savannah to be sour. And even if he was depressed about everything, he was at least kinda liberal. I mean, it's not like he ever tried to lynch Ke0na or anything.

-----

Cory M.: So, in my small town, going to the movies was a big deal. The whole town would fill up the theatre, and when "Blair Witch" came out, everyone came out to see it -- old people, little kids, the whole town, everyone. Well, at the end of the movie it ends abruptly, and so my buddy, who's kind of a weird one, gets up and in front of all these people says, "What the fuh-huck was thay-ut?"
Ke0na: That is just how we used to go see movies in Memphis! Always loud and stuff.
Pat: How I missed out being a Midwestern white boy in Ladue.
Ke0na: I'm telling you, you really did.

-----

Re-telling the above story at DJ Boot Camp to my Southern friends Kim and Jayme
Kim: That is so stupid.
Jayme: You gotta love how people in the South will add extra syllables.
Kim: Yeah, I was thinking that, too!
Jayme: Fuh-uck.
Kim: Thay-ut.
Jayme: Fuh-uh-uck.
Kim: They-uh-huh-at.
Pat: I'm glad I could make your day.
Jayme: Oh, you really did.
Kim: Yeah, thanks, Paddycake.

-----

See?! Doesn't that make you want to be Southern?! Yeah, me neither, but it at least makes me want to do some drinking with some Southerners, which I will get to do soon.

Things to miss about O-town

*2 slices and a drink for $4 at Tino's.
*Cold cheese. (THE way to eat pizza, I've decided.)
*$6 pitchers of Yuengling.
*22-ounce bottles of Yuengling!
*Mindsweepers from The Latte Lounge.
*The satellite radio station in The Latte Lounge, cranking out '80s tunes like none other.
*Free parking, anywhere, anytime.
*The New York state smoking-ban, which ensures that you can go home at the end of the night and not smell like ass.
*Red's, the filling station-turned-bar that has old pumps in the middle of the bar.
*Watching Cara and Katie dominate in drunk darts.
*Being able to predict down to the second (and number of beers) how long it will take Julie to call Denise for a ride home.
*Playing the blues with Jack.
*Watching Ch@mb@la walk into a pizzeria at 3 a.m. and shout, "Hey, who wants to race?" Normally, it would be drunk football coaches and high 13-year-olds.
*Stories about cows, hay, goats and llamas.
*Woody's subs.
*Seeing so many people with disabilities out and about.
*The pretty view of the Catskills.
*Morning fog coming off the lakes.
*Greenery.
*Certain accents.

Things to NOT miss about O-town

*Being able to tell how long a piece of roadkill has been on the road based on how decomposed the corpse has gotten.
*Coffee prices just a penny less than a year's tuition for college.
*Cellphone reception in maybe 30 percent of the places where I'd be.
*Fog blinding you on the night ride home.
*"Closed" signs popping up around 5 p.m.
*Radio stations that play the same artist three times in 43 minutes (we've counted and timed this stuff).
*Nada Mexican food.
*Perverts at The Oak.
*Whiny, nasally "Oh mah gawd!" accents.
*Having to change "said Jones" to "Jones said" in copy from 20-year veterans.

Thank God for Katy, who used the i-Pod to spread my good news so that I didn't have to! Thanks, Katy!

Yes, my days here in O-town and the northeast are numbered. I'll be leaving Friday for an unwinding of sorts in good ol D.C. before I leave for Myrtle Beach, where I will be a genuine Southerner. Or, as genuine as a Catholic boy from St. Louis can be in South Carolina.

So, my friends, the offer is open to all of you to come chill with me on the beach. It's a great paper and there are always openings, too, so maybe you can chill with me in THAT respect. If newspapers aren't your gig, I'm sure we always need film directors, nannies, bums, transients, teachers, grad students, sluts, campaign advisers, advertisers, gamblers, line cooks, insurance salesmen, horse trainers and whatever else my friends are doing for a living.

One person I DON'T want to move to South Carolina...

...is Megan R*tka, and it's not because she's mean or she smells or any of that. Neigh, it's because she's in London with her (really cute) boyfriend and is working at my old digs, LondonNet. She's getting to do what Hoppa and I did combined, and get paid for it. So, not that I don't love her, but I want her to stay in the UK for a while, and not come to see me just yet. Funny enough, I don't think I'll have to twist her arm. If I had a hot guy and I was living in L-town (and at the same time), then I'd be content to just stay put.

Congrats to Megan.

Also deserving congrats...

...is Ashlee, whose last name (appropriately enough) rhymes with "pooper." She, as the i-Pod will also tell you, just got employed, too. She will be living in San Fran! How friggin' great is that.

Many of you will probably note that besides AZ, the farthest out west I have been has been Lawrence, Kans. I know, Kansas. AZ only half-counts, because that was a plane-trip to a youth conference and so it's not like I could explore, though I did get to go swimming in the streams of Sodona, and have weird old ladies try to sell me crystals.

Anywho, having Coop in SF, Protz in Colo. and Erica in AZ (along with Erin) is incentive for me to do as the the Pet Shop Boys (and Village People) and "Go West." But if I were to "Go West" as the song implies, and do it in SF, I'd probably not fare well...

Moving on.

Reasons To Be Cheerful, 1, 2, and 3
*Moving within O-town city limits.
*Getting cellphone reception on my bed.
*Lindsay Lohan on the cover of "Rolling Stone."
*Lindsay Lohan on the INSIDE of "Rolling Stone."
*Knowing I'll only be there for five days.
*Knowing I can see Kelly, Frank, Lily, Katy, Kate, Fisco and Elise in, oh, four days.
*Knowing I'll get to be in a town with black people!
*Anticipating what that town's radio can be like!
*Cold cheese (when pizzerias dump a handful of mozzarella on a hot slice of pizza).
*Yuengling.
*Getting to be at The Oak and not be hit on by creeps named John (or any other name).
*Watching drunk guys challenge each other to foot-races in the middle of the street. At 4 a.m.
*E-mail tag with HoWray.
*Gmail.
*Talking on the phone with Keith, Erica, Katy and my brother, all in one day.
*Hearing my brother tell me five-thousand times that season 1 of "Millennium" is indeed finally out on DVD.
*Knowing, then, that season 2 will probably be out on DVD, too, and soon at that.
*Getting phone messages from my dad.
*Hearing those messages and thinking that it's hard to tell he had a stroke.
*Knowing that someone out there is getting to experience to joy of Yello Sub.
*Finding out that South Carolina has Steak n' Shake.
*Finding out the MB chamber of commerce has a page dedicated to local ghosts!
*Burning CDs in preparation for the mother of all road trips.