Art Buchwald's "I just died video" reminds me of Yule Brenner's video after he died. "I'm Yule Brenner, and I'm dead now, because I smoked cigarettes." Bill Hicks had a bit about Jim Fixx, the runner who died of a heart attack. His video should be, "I'm Jim Fixx, and I'm dead now. What the fuck happened?"

I guess it's stuck in my mind because I watched that stand-up last week. That and I'm obsessed with Bill Hicks.

Anyway...

We're about to see some campaigns that could break records for spending. Someone on NPR said it could be a billion-dollar campaign. Which is pretty amazing if you think about it.

And this campaign has different issues to cloud the discussion. Not only can candidates drum up same-sex marriage and immigration when they want to skirt about, oh, I don't know, the war, they can also bring up Obama's race and Hillary's gender. Not that they haven't been doing that.

I'm wondering what the media will talk about in the future when immigration, black presidents, women presidents and same-sex marriages are non-issues. When all the dumb-fucks are dead and their dumb-fuck children are dead and their offspring have accepted more open-minded ideologies.

What then will the media talk about?

Not that it shouldn't be mentioned that Hillary would be the first president to have lady parts or that Obama would be the first black president. It totally should. But their candidacies aren't "I'd be the first black!" or "I've got a vajayjay!" So I'm interested in reading more about that other stuff, that stuff that will actually define their candidacies.

All that being said, I don't dislike Obama and Hillary. And I don't think Brownback has a chance in hell, per se, but I love that his name makes me like of "Brokeback."

Shock-and-awe-some.

I don't have Internet access at the apartment. I can't check personal e-mail at work. Thus, if I e-mail you, I'm e-mailing you from the library and it might take a few days for me to see your response, let alone respond to your response.

Love,

The management

"It's the year to hated
So glad that we made it
'Cuz all the kids in the street
Whisper sounds that sweet
The stars under their feet
Well, it's the year to be hated..."

It's not quite time for New Year's yet, but I know that if I don't do the year end post now, I probably won't have time again. See: note above.

The end of the year is funny because you know that you have no clue what will happen a year from now or what will have become of your life. It's weird because I sometimes wish I could go back and watch the Pat of the previous year. Not to change anything, but to be a quiet observer and say, "Oh, that poor schmuck, he's about to get a real surprise."

So, I think it might be funny to go to the Pat of a year ago. The Pat of December 2005 also did not have Internet access at his apartment, which he shared with his roommate Emma in the Meezy Beezy. He knew he wanted to leave but didn't know when he'd be leaving. He certainly did not know that three months later, he'd be packing for Florida. To live 30 feet from one of his favorite people. Or that at the end of that year, another one of his favorite people would take a job there, too.

Pat had done one stand-up appearance and was hoping to make a habit of it, but he didn't know he would actually get the chance. Nor did he know that he'd open for a guy who nine months later would appear on Letterman.

I wouldn't want to tell the Pat of December 2005 what would happen, for fear that knowing what would happen would muck it all up. I've appreciated not knowing my future, because it's allowed me to not be so worried. Which is a big step coming from the guy who obsessed in the dorm that he was single and was unsure of the future and wondered if he'd ever find "the one." Blah blah blah. I'd like to observe that Pat, too, if only because I'd like to remember how to never be ever ever again. And not just because I had a butt cut the first few years of college.

"It's not what it looks like... It's worse!"
--Kimberly on "Melrose Place"

Season 1 of "Melrose Place" is on DVD now and I was able to snag the first season double pack of "Melrose Place" AND "90210" for $10. TEN DOLLARS. My friend Joe got the "90210" DVDs; I've kept the "Melrose" ones for myself.

I can't tell you how wonderful this is. Especially now that I won't get to see new "Grey's Anatomy" or "Desperate Housewives" until, oh, 2007. If you want me, I'll be watching the episode where Amanda tells Billy she's pregnant.

I've done some thinking about the choices I make with my money, and why I make those choices. The results have had me examine my boycotts on certain businesses and investigate just how pure the competition is. It's no secret that I try to not shop at Wal-Mart. What might be news is that if Target is "better" than Wal-Mart, then it's not by much.

Before we go further, I should point out that during the summer of 2003, I worked at a Wal-Mart. The hours were long, the breaks were short and my back didn't really want me to be standing up for eight hours a day.

In the years since then, I've opted to shop at places other than Wal-Mart when I had the chance. I shopped at Bi-Lo in Myrtle Beach and here in Jacksonville, I shop at Publix. I don't know of a nearby Wal-Mart, but even if there was one, I can suffice with the Publix by work.

There are many reasons why people dislike Wal-Mart. Many people oppose Wal-Mart for aggressive anti-union practices. Others say that Wal-Mart should offer health benefits to more than just 44 percent of its employees. Others criticize Wal-Mart for using cheap labor in Asia. There's a litany of political reasons to avoid the company.

I have not heard political reasons being cited when people talk about why they choose to shop at Wal-Mart. I hear reasons like convenience, efficiency, 24 hour supercenters and cheap prices. Not once have I heard someone say, "I like Wal-Mart because it allows benefits to couples in civil unions" or "I love that Wal-Mart announced it will now allows Chinese workers to unionize." Both of those are true, though, but those aren't necessarily enough. Not for me, anyway. My brother's in the union as a carpenter. Nuff said.

A lot of people who oppose Wal-Mart have used Target as an alternative, myself included. Target isn't Wal-Mart, but Target is certainly not 100 percent altruistic, either.

"Aesthetically, we all like Target better, but their wages are in many places low or just as low, and they all represent the Wal-Martization of our economy, which is the exchange of low prices for poor work conditions."
--Liza Featherstone, author of "Selling Women Short: The Landmark Battle for Workers' Rights at Wal-Mart"

"In some ways Target's been given a free pass because of the perception that since Wal-Mart is the largest player, it can dictate the market in terms of prices, pay and benefits while others simply are forced to go along... In some respects, Wal-Mart's been a convenient excuse for Target and other retailers who've said that it's the competitive pressures brought about by Wal-Mart that's dictated their labor policies. Do critics really think Target is so benign? I don't think so, and Target shouldn't either."
--Ken Jacobs, deputy chair at the UC Berkeley's Center for Labor Research and Education

"Women should never be denied legal medications by pharmacists who decide to impose their own personal bias on others... Until Target improves its policy, it will continue to receive a thumbs down from Planned Parenthood."
--Karen Pearl, Planned Parenthood interim president

Sorry to rain on our parade, people, but it needed to be said.

I could opt to boycott both and just shop at Publix, but Publix isn't without controversy, either. The company was involved in a gender discrimination suit in the late 1990s, and a few years ago, Publix supported a bill that prevents people from suing if their land is polluted by dry cleaning chemicals.

The reality is that many companies are similar to political candidates in that they probably won't match our values 100 percent of the time. We just have to decide how militant we want to be and which issues we will allow to be deal-breakers. I know some people who will only go to Wal-Mart if it's 2 a.m. and every other store is closed. I know others who boycott Target *AND* Wal-Mart. Whatever you decide to do is up to you.

"I love America more than any other country in the world and, exactly for this reason, I insist on the right to criticize her perpetually."
--James Baldwin

Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays because it doesn't involve gifts. At its heart, the holiday is about being grateful. If you have the right attitude, you can have a great Thanksgiving.

That being said, I'm not blind to the truths of some of the pilgrims' relationships with the Native Americans. Nor am I blind to the gluttony of this holiday. Nor am I blind to the fact that the next day is one of the most celebrated days of consumerism in this country.

But all that aside, I love Thanksgiving.

And after dealing with some of the wackos who can drive around these parts, I'm thankful to be alive. I mean, I'm always thankful for being alive, but this week, some experiences on the roads have me extra grateful for being alive. The drivers of Northeast Florida have not impressed me that they passed driver's education. Actually, they haven't even impressed me that they passed the eighth grade. But one step at a time.

Please don't kill me with your car, or with anything, for that matter

Dear driver,

You drive a car. This big thing of metal can be turned on to take you places and when this happens, it can go as fast as 50, 60, 60, 80 miles an hour. Or more.

I say this simplistically and maybe even condescendingly because there seem to be some things that aren't universally accepted as driving courtesy.

1) You can flip a lever that can signal to me that you're switching lanes
2) You should use this
3) You should use this sooner than right before you switch lanes
4) You can switch lanes, but it would be helpful that no one else is in that spot when you're trying to switch over
5) It would be especially helpful if I were not in that spot
6) You have a mirror on either side of your car
7) You can use said mirrors to avoid problems with #4 and #5
8) Your car does not have to be three feet behind mine
9) Indeed, your car be one car length away for every 10 miles per hour you are driving
10) If you're trying to make a left into busy traffic, and there is no open pocket in which you can turn, you don't have to go ahead and try to turn left
11) Not only do you not have to turn, you shouldn't try to turn then
12) When you cut into northbound traffic to turn to go south, make sure you have a pocket in the lane of southbound traffic before you cut into the northbound traffic
13) If you try to stop at a red light and your entire car is past the white line, you are too far out
14) You were probably going too fast
15) You have a little thing behind your steering wheel telling you how fast you are going
16) There are periodic white signs with black type telling you how fast you should be going
17) If you violate any of these rules and you're seen talking on your cell phone, a bitch might need to get cut
18) In the face
19) With my keys

Does this make sense? It does? Oh, good. I'm glad to hear it. I'd hate to have to enact items 17, 18 and/or 19. My keys are a bit gunky and unclean. And I'm all out of rubbing alcohol.

Thanks a bunch!

Hugs and kisses,

Pat

The digests are not gone forever

But with limited access to my e-mail, I do not know when for sure they will be back. But they will be back. And they will include my sadness with Gabrielle's blonde highlights, my confusion by Lynette's quasi-perm and my love for having Orson on the show. I will root for Taylor and Ryan to hook up and yearn for the days when Sandy, Seth and Kirsten had storylines. And I will be glad when Izzie gets her act together.

Rather, I will be thankful.

WHO won?

Somebody said, "Aren't you happy about the election? We won!"

I can get behind a team mentality with the Cardinals, with my colleagues at work, and with people who went to Mizzou. But I don't want to say "We won," because:

A) I'm not sure any political party is currently where it needs to be, and to say "won" implies too much endorsement for me
B) I don't like the "us versus them" concept
C) I don't know enough about some of the people who won to decide if I want to be linked with them
D) All but one of the states with bans on same-sex marriage passed those bans

So, this election signified some change, and I want to be optimistic about it simply because I want to spend the energy to be pessimistic. But South Carolina passed the ban with a wide point-spread. If I still lived there, I would be feeling desperate to get out. That being said, if it ever gets on the ballot in Florida, it's a foregone conclusion it will pass.

And this makes me think of three painful things:
1) Missouri, my home state, was one of the first to pass the ban, if not THE first
2) John Kerry, when running for president, said that if he could have voted in Missouri, he would have voted for the ban.
3) Bill Clinton signed the Defense of Marriage Act in the '90s

Can you see how I might find it difficult to get behind a party right now, particularly a party who reveres Kerry and Clinton? And just because I have reservations about those two doesn't mean that I automatically LIKE Republican candidates or want to have like 10,000 of their babies. I've found that in the last few years, criticizing a Democrat is taken to mean endorsing Republicans, and vice versa. My mind does not work on either/or mode. You try to load that into my psyche and it's like OSX on a PC. Abort. Retry. Fail.

But Pat, do you really think that everyone who votes agrees 100 percent with the candidate for whom he or she is voting?

Of course not, and I appreciate that. I don't expect that to ever be the case. And that's why I will continue plugging away and talking about this stuff. Not to just be one of those coffee house hipsters who bitches about politics because it's cool, but because, I kind of like this country, and well, I think you do, too. And so when I see things that kinda bug me, I have to raise my hand and say, "Um, wait a minute..."

"You know I can't apologize
For everything I know
I mean, you don't have to agree with me
But once you get me going
You better just let me go
We have to be able to criticize
What we love
Say what we have to say
'Cause if you're not trying to make something better
Then as far as I can tell
You are just in the way..."
--Ani DiFranco, "What If No One's Watching"